Demon Slayer Ralph (with audio) (Gross and Funny)

Written by Lucius Tarquinius Narrated by Mike Drew

Six weeks have passed since I was captured by these demons. These wicked creatures have kept me in captivity, feeding me rubbish and who knows what else. By God above, I will escape.

I've tracked other victims here, to this demonic fortress. Eric, the dragon slayer, was taken here. Poor man, since slaying the beast, its spirit has haunted him. The demons must have found out and capitalized on that opportunity.

The door to my cell opens, the white clothes of those demons shining bright. Their white linens mock pure hearts. "Alright, Mr. Riddick, it's medicine time."

Medicine, that's what these demons call it. "MEDICINE IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BETTER, NOT TAKE AWAY THE VOICE OF GOD!"

Lucky for me, he's waited too long since the last time they drugged me. Now that I'm in my holy robes of the flesh, blessed to me from the time of my birth, I will be immune to their chicanery.

The demon finally notices. "Oh fuck, he's naked. Ronnie, I'm going to need some help with three legs."

The second demon enters. "You know we're not supposed to call him that, Dons. Mr. Reddick, please take a seat."

I yell from the depths of my soul, "NO, I WILL GET AWAY THIS TIME! GOD TOLD ME SO!"

I run with all my might and speed, crashing into the demon. The demon speaks into the little black box on his shoulder. "We have a code gray. All staff on the third floor."

The demon's siren sounds as my feet take the first steps to freedom. I run down the hall to the stairs. Upon my arrival, three other demons show up to stop me. I arm myself with the chicken grease that I saved from every third meal they gave me.

I smear my body in the lubricant as the demons charge at me. My glistening is glorious. When they make contact with me, their hands slip clean from my skin. Another demon, taking initiative, chooses to tackle me. I slip completely from his grasp, fancifully waddling down the stairs.

When I get to the second floor, I see Eric the dragon slayer's cell down the hall. To my luck, the keys to the cells are hanging behind the demons' desks next to me. I grab all of the keys to open all of the cells. "BY THE GLORY OF GOD, WE WILL ALL BE FREE!"

As I open the doors to the cells, the demons flank me on both ends of the hall. I get to Eric's cell and open the door to find him slumped over. "Eric, come on, we have to go."

In a disturbingly calm tone, Eric speaks. "Ralph, you're naked again, have you taken your medicine?"

His docile manner and request as to whether or not I've taken my medication could only mean one thing: they've drugged him. "No, Eric, I know the spirit is difficult to bear, but you cannot search for salvation from these demons."

"They're not demons, Ralph. They're trying to help us. Just let them help." Rubbish, poppycock, and foolishness, that's all Eric seems to be spewing right now.

As I look back to the doors I've already opened, I see, to my disappointment, that no one has left their cells. They've all been taking the drugs.

I wish I could save you, Eric. I wish I could save all of you, but for right now, at least, I can't. As the demons close in on me, I look around for any escape. "Mr. Riddick, please come take your medicine."

I look around in fervent panic as the demons get closer and closer until finally I see it: the office of the archdemon, Dr. Everard. "NEVER!"

I open the door to the arch demon's office to find the one responsible for my imprisonment. "Archdemon, you will no longer have me in prison."

The archdemon, with a window to his back, looks at me. "Okay, Ralph, do you want to go outside?"

"Yes, and I want to do it like this."

"Okay, would you like to wear this holy cloth?" The archdemon holds up a towel. I am no fool; it is just a towel, although if it weren't holy, it would burst into flames at the touch of the archdemon.

I need this cloth. I snatch the holy cloth from him and wrap it around myself with all due haste.

The archdemon walks from around his desk over to me. "Alright, Ralph, would you like to go outside now?"

"Yes." Now's my chance. I run with all due haste to the window. I open it and defenestrate myself.

The last thing I hear is the voice of the archdemon's disappointment and frustration. "NOOO!!!"

I am finally free.

---

Two weeks later.

(This was Ralph Reddick's final journal entry in the hospital before his death from inflicted injuries. I believe the stress and unpredictability of that particular schizophrenic break are what is truly responsible for his demise, as opposed to any failure of protocol.) —Dr. Everard

"Do you think they'll buy that, Dr. Everard?"

"Of course they will; the board believes everything I say."

"I hope you're right because we're going to jail for a very long time if they find out."

"They're the board of directors; even if they do find out, what are they going to do, fire us? We've made so much money; this hospital has become feasible for their shareholders."

"His schizophrenia was probably triggered by the medications we'd given him."

"See, so he belonged here after all. Those drugs really had their effect on him; he almost immediately started taking his clothes off. And the yelling about us being demons, clearly, we’re demons anyone could tell that. That’s the whole reason Eric the supposed ‘dragon slayer’ is here.”

“Alright, I guess I’ll take that report.”

“Good, get it to the Chairdemon of the board."